jesicanoel

and still maintaining - after adding carbs back into my diet my weight settled a couple of pounds heavier then it did when I was on no carb no sugar, but it has leveled out, no wild fluctuations and all within the limits of where I should be. On my first round I kept losing during this stage so I think I am feeling a little twinge of disappointment - I didn’t make it to my goal weight, which I am ok with cause I feel really good about where I DID make it to but on any given day I am 7-9 lbs away from that goal and I was hoping I would slip closer to it just with my new healthy habits and such. Bummer. My body is going to make me work for it. I have been going to boot camp on Saturdays - and the gym is beconing me - as I mentioned the last post - the month of November was REALLY hard…my Mom was in the hospital with Pneoumonia for the entir month - there were all sorts of other complications, they thought she had swine flu at first, etc. She is home now, still on oxygen but trying to get better and get stronger….Anyways, some of my big plans got put on hold, so I am still trying to get my shit together.
I started the process of testing to see if I am a match to donate a kidney to her. Now that I have my weight under the limit I didn’t want to waste any time. They could still come back to me and tell me I am too fat, I hope they don’t do that….
Anyways, that, mixed with the holidays it where I’ve been at. It’s a busy time of year. Hope you all are doing ok, gonna go read some blogs and see what you’ve been up to.

Went pretty quickly. Monday is my last day. Then it’s back to normal eating for me. I’ve been struggling to remember to eat these past few weeks as there has been A LOT of drama going on in my life. Some might view that as a good thing - I don’t. The whole purpose of changing my habits was to learn to put myself, my needs first - whether it’s in good times or bad. My REAL needs, not what’s easiest or what’s most convieniant, or what I WANT - but what I NEED to keep my body healthy. It’s easier to think about your needs when times are good, you feel good, and life is on an upswing. But when times are bad, it’s harder. I volleyed between wanting to stuff my face with “BAD” food to numb my emotional pain and not wanting to eat at all because, frankly, all the things I CAN eat take time and preparation and I just didn’t feel like I had it in me to put in that much effort. I managed to handle the pressure fairly well - I haven’t really cheated much and I have managed not to starve to death. My weight is holding where it should be. But it was an eye opener for me, this experience. Knowledge is power. I now know what it takes to maintain my new status quo, I also know I’m capable of it even when life blows big chunks. Valuable knowledge if you ask me. Off course there is room for error if life blows bigger chunks at me - but it’s one day at a time for this girl so I can’t worry about the future chunks.

As of tomorrow at least. I start phase 3 monday morning - which means a 1200 calorie diet of protien, eggs, dairy,nuts, veggies and fruit - no starches or carb like substances (bread) or sugar. YAY! 1200 calories is a walk in the park and having salads with everything but the kitchen sink in them is SO yummy. (I’m doing my happy dance!) I lost a total of 52 lbs, 15 this round - I’m not counting the extra lb I dropped today or if I drop any tomorrow because now that the HCG is working it’s way out of my system those lbs likely won’t stay gone. If this round is anything like the last round of maintenance I did the first week and a half my weight will creep up - and hopefully not go over 2 lbs over my last shot weight (it didn’t last time) - then it will creep back down and even itself out…and if I am really lucky it will do what it did last time and just keep creeping down for a bit bfore it levels out. I have appx 7 more lbs to lose to reach my goal of 160 - last time I dropped about 8 on my own.
So we will see. Whatever happens, I’m good - I’m glad to be right here, I feel good, I’m excited for more changes to be made and new habits I’m going to start - I’m excited to tone up my body now that I’ve lost so much. I’m not at the end of the journey of course, cause I’ve come to the understanding that my journey will never fully end. I will always have to be a conscious eater, I will always have to ask myself the hard questions, like what am I doing to make my body stronger and healthier? what am I doing that counters that? and what else can I be doing to ensure my vitality and longevity? I am confident that it won’t always have to be on the forefront of my mind every day, because I am building habits that will soon become natural to me and won’t need as much thought, but I will always have to take stock here and there lest I lose my bearings and get lost in the 200’s again.
Although being a responsible human - taking the reins and control and accepting that I am the one running the show here is and has been hard - it’s kinda been freeing too…I feel so grown up.
Anyways, another milestone hit - time to be ME - no more hiding from who I am or who I want to be- no more guilt for being an individual and not a stereotype or vice versa, no more guilt for surviving, no guilt for loving, no guilt for living, no more blaming everything and everyone but myself - I’ve turned a new page - I’m older and wiser now, and bit thinner too - it’s time to start living life MY way.

My cycle is coming my cycle is coming! It’s official. I am up about a lb and a 1/2 since yesterday - only mild spotting so far, but the timings right and the symptoms are there - the real bummer being tomorrow is my last shot, so I have to end on a higher weight. I was not happy with the scale. It figures! After such a high yesterday - I was feeling SO good! (damn hormones!) But I came down off the ledge quicker then I thought - It is still just a number, I still feel great, I’m still fitting those size 10’s BLOAT and all - life is good. It will come off, eventually it will. So I’m down, but not out, maybe mother nature will hand me a boon tomorrow and I’ll end at least where I was yesterday - maybe she won’t, I’m not gonna sweat it anymore. Come monday I’m having some cheese and eggs and veggies and feasting on healthy foods and appreciating where I am at - which is currently right here at 169. I’ll update my weight ticker after the flow leaves if I’m still here. It’s all good, I’ve come a long way - and I’m gonna choose to focus on the donut not the hole. (mmmm donuts! lol!)

They aren’t the best, but hopefully the difference is noticable!

And finally bought some new clothes - pants mostly, cause it was just getting ridiculous to try and fit most of them on, then I was ending up wearing the same couple of pairs over and over - it’s been too cold for skirts - although now it’s starting to heat up again. Anyways, I decided to stop by Old Navy on my way to school today - wouldn’t you know they are have a GREAT sale right now? - 50% off of their clearance section - which is impressive that’s why I shop there, I’m a clearance shopper. SCORE! I bought 4 new pairs of pants, 3 new shirts and 2 3 packs of panties, plus a really great sweater and a pretty scarf all for $67. Not bad.
Now the cool thing - I had NO idea what size I was - the only pair of prebaby pants I have that fit me comfortably are mens button fly and SO old that the tag is transparent - I DO have an old size nine that I can button but they are still a little too tight. I was guessing I am a 10 - I was pretty much right on! BUT 8’s fit too! - I didn’t not try on one pair of pants that I couldn’t pull up today - they may have been too tight and I opted for a bigger size BUT it wasn’t the usual humiliating experiance I am used to when I shop pants. And the lack of horror I experienced that I had to go from a size 10 to a 12 in a particular style and cut was awesome - cause really a 12 is still smaller then my previous size 16. And it’s not as if the 10’s didn’t fit - in fact I did buy one pair size 8 because they didn’t have a 10 and honestly, I’m not quite done yet, so when the dust settles I’m fairly certain they will be a perfect fit. I heard a lady say to the fitting room clerk she refuses to go the next size up from a 10 (the pants she had chosen didn’t fit I guess) and I felt bad for her, but I also found it a little humorous cause here I am CELEBRATING my size 10 or 12 ass! LOL. It’s really not about the number. On average the size 10’s fit the best so I dropped 6 sizes. It doesn’t matter - how I FEEL matters most - and I LIKE how I feel here - That’s what counts to me!
Not feeling so hot this evening - spotting a bit and having IBS which means Auntie Flow is on her way…but so is the end of this phase and THAT I am looking forward to!

The last few times I’ve tried I’ve lost the post, so here’s hoping that the third time is a charm.
I broke my stall! Hip hip hooray! I am now in the 160’s - ladies and gentleman I have not been in this weight range in 9 years. Bigger then that though - I got my blue star which means I have lost 50 LBS!!!!! I am so proud. I really am. It’s a big number and I did it, despite the difficulty and the nay sayers and the hiccups and hang ups and head colds I’m here. And I got me here - along with HCG of course, but even then, I had to DO IT - me me ME ! I’ve accomplished something - I’ve set out with a goal and I’ve almost reached it (9 lbs to go) but I still feel SO accomplished, possibly more accomplished now then I will be when I make 160 weird as that might seem. It just feels momentous to me. I don’t think I ever truely believed I’d get this far, not even after I lost the first 30 lbs it still seemed like a pipe dream, it still felt unattainable. Now I feel it. Now I can believe. Now I’ve turned a corner.
The head cold is hanging on - I lost my voice. But all in all I feel better today and hope that from here on out it’s all about the recovery.
This is my last week on - 5 more shots to go. 7 more days. I’m looking forward to it. It sucks that the hub leaves the same day I go back on a higher calorie diet - to both anticipate and dread one day so much is taxing.

Ok, I’m off to do the house work I’ve been avoiding.

I’ve got nine days left and a head cold! I gained a lb. today. I experienced a momentary “awww man” but my girl Shana talked me down from the ledge and I’m cool now. I have a cold - which makes one retain water and I took cold medicine yesterday which is full of crap that probably contributed to the gain. Today Im still all icky, but slightly better so I am determined to avoid the meds stay hydrated and get lots of rest tonight. Hopefully at least by the end of the weekend all will be kosher and I will be feeling better. Feeling like crap in some ways takes ones mind off of what she can and can’t have -my appetite has been missing so there is an upswing.
Life is busy - and we’ve been plugging along as well as can be expected all things considered. I’m definitely in a zone of some sort….especially with the cold fog helping, but it’s all good…I’ll be surfacing soon.
With the hub leaving in a week, the diet coming to an end, a MAJOR deadline at school looming and of course Halloween - which also means the other holidays are on it’s heals - I feel the pressure.
I don’t know if I’ve ever looked forward to seeing my family SO much. (That’s probably a bit overkill - I look forward to seeing my family all the time but you get the picture…) Not just to show off the new bod - which lets face it, I didn’t do it for them, but I want them to see what I’ve accomplished, but I am also looking forward to the freedom.
Before, when we would get together I would gorge and eat everything and then feel badly about myself for eating everything. I couldn’t even fully enjoy the food because of all the guilt attached to it - but how did I deal with the guilt? Eat even more! And I never really felt like I fit in with them because no one else seemed to be going through the same mental struggle (although realistically there are probably lots of people in my life who do the same thing.)
Of course, when you are in it, all you see is your own struggle, your own pain. NOW I am changed. My relationship with food is changed. I look forward to that freedom. I will eat what I want, I KNOW I will enjoy it ever so much more then I used to, I will stop when I’m full and I WON’T feel a lick of guilt and I WON’T tell myself how bad, how fat, how unlovable I am. I WILL know that I deserve it, and I have earned it…and it won’t even have been bad because I make better choices now then ever before.
I am looking forward to a guilt free holiday! It will have been my first in many many years and it’s the best gift I could have given myself.

The smell of chili hangs in the air in my house. I made it for my family - while I ate my chicken and asparagas. It wasn’t so bad, but it’s one of the things I am looking forward to making again in a couple of weeks when I CAN have some.
I got to spend some time with the hub today which was super nice. And he gave me that special look when he saw me and commented on how good I look, which thrilled me to my toes. We went to the movies and did a little shopping - It was a pleasure to spend those stolen hours with him. In another couple of weeks he will be back out on the road for until Thanksgiving. Of course I am getting off this phase of the diet the day he leaves so I am a little bummed. But he is being a good sport about it and supporting me, and I am very grateful for that. When he gets home in November though I am looking forward to cooking his favorites and eating some of them with him too.
I am also looking forward to looking even better when he gets home. I have decided to join bootcamp at the end of this month with my friend Juleah - Its one day a week with a trainer - which probably equals 3 days at the gym going my own pace. ;P It’s a small step but a start and I plan to take notes. So I can do this stuff on my own too.
I am also thinking of canceling my gym membership. The one I have I hardly use and it just goes to waste - money we could be saving. I am reluctant though cause I think I might get back into the swing of things here soon (famous last words.) So I will probably set a deadline for myself that I have to go so many times before a certain date or cancel it. There is no law that says I HAVE to go to the gym - I can get exercise other ways for free or for the same money. I just need to keep myself motivated. I have found that I am most motivated when I have a partner in crime, OR when it’s a class at school. So maybe saving myself $40 a month and paying $20 a semester for a class is the wiser choice. (My gym is one of those bare bones deals - no classes available or I think I’d be much happier.) I don’t know yet. But come November IT’S ON! I want to tone up in a BIG way so I’ve got some decisions to make.
Ok, I’m off to spend some more time with the family.

I’m gonna stop posting on the weekend man - lost a nice, long, insightful post. GONE! AGGGGHHHHH. WHAT THE HELL? I should learn to copy and paste before I save I guess…let this be my lesson. (yes it took me 2 times to learn, no big surprise that I am a slow learner eh? )
have a nice weekend everybody.